THE V-WORD: VULNERABILITY.
I’m a vulnerability junkie. While that can sound like some people’s idea of hell–it’s what I live for. Everything else feels lukewarm to me. And I like my relationships like I like my food…hot like the surface of the sun.
Brene Brown is the queen of studying vulnerability. If you haven’t dived into her work, check out this TED talk that’s one of the most viewed of all time. Mind blowing. She talks about how protecting our vulnerability and shame ultimately feels like it’s keeping us “safe”--but detaches us from true connection. I describe this to clients as being behind the walls of a castle. Drawbridge up, big moat, tall walls. Effective in keeping others out? You betcha. But doesn’t it get lonely in there? So safe and tucked away… missing out on the joy, love, growth and learning that happens when we allow others in. Brene says we can’t have connection without vulnerability, and I wholeheartedly believe her. Speaking of castles…almost all Disney movies include a main character who chooses vulnerability over comfort to make things happen–Ariel tries out legs, Tiana kisses the frog, Moana rides the waves, Mirabel finds Bruno. Since childhood, we’ve seen vulnerability play out with happy endings, but our fears tell us that it won’t work out that way.
I recently had an opportunity to shrink and hide. Burned out, overstimulated, exhausted. As a business owner, the stress can feel like a gut punch without a witness. Gasping for air but no one to ensure you take your next breath. I hate to admit that I give in to “the depresh” as a favorite client calls it…the hopeless, helpless, “what’s the point” mindset…but I do. When I’m in that dark place, I crave connection but I don’t want to be seen in my pain. I don’t think anyone expects perfection, but showing my ugly is often an instant hard pass. But dammit…it’s lonely back there, so safe from all the risks of judgment, “can’t you just go back to your old job” comments. I reached out to a group of friends and said, “I’m drowning. I don’t need to be rescued–I just need people to hear me.”
Guess what. They fucked it up. They didn’t respond the way I needed or wanted them to. They gave me unsolicited advice and minimized my feelings. I’m sure they didn’t mean to but they got so caught up in the opportunity to rescue and soothe that they didn’t hear what I was saying I needed. AND IT WAS WORTH IT! After dusting myself off the flurry of texts and casual “you’re a rockstar!” comments, I reasserted what I needed. I thanked them for showing up and trying, then explained that I’m looking for more depth. I needed people to come and sit with me in my Castle of Safety and lower the drawbridge from the inside instead of shouting over the walls.
And THEN…they arrived. It was almost like they needed to get the fluffy stuff out of their systems before they could see that I was still in the castle. What came next was a series of “we can meet virtually so you don’t have to put pants on” and “maybe just a group phone call so you can sit in your car and unload?” Unloading. That’s what I needed to do. I needed to dump that shit into the universe and stop dragging it around with me. And if I hadn’t kept pushing for vulnerability, I’d still be Rapunzel in there–fabulous hair but brutally alone.
Quick Tips for Leaning Into Vulnerability:
When you feel yourself pulling back, take a breath. Relax the muscles behind your belly button. Pause for a moment and notice how you’re feeling.
Ask yourself, “what am I avoiding?” You may be surprised with the answers that come to you.
Remind yourself that much of what we want in life takes vulnerability to achieve—this moment may be a chance to step a bit closer to your dreams!
Choose vulnerability. Do more that pushes you. It may not go perfectly–it may suck–but it’s real and the only place where real life happens.
